link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bl3xox/aitah_for_cutting_exwifes_vacation_short_with_the/

I posted in April seeking guidance on if I should attempt to enforce an order to cut my wife's vacation short. Long story short she has a long history of lying and manipulating situations to gain time and access to the kids. After processing all the comments, I realized while I may not be the AH, I am the problem. It was my flexibility with my ex that was enabling and emboldening her behavior. Religiously sticking to the order has been my mantra ever since. I am grateful for the tough love in the comments which truly helped wake me up to the situation. Thank you again to all that contributed to the original post in the comments.

I did ask my ex to return the children on my scheduled parenting day. I told her that because she had lied about her travel plans, I needed her to bring the kids back early. Her response was to tell me how awful I was to do this to the children. The day came, I went to the pick spot and she didn't arrive. She refused to answer my calls and texted me screenshots of me agreeing to give her the extra time and more guilt about my behavior and weaponizing the children etc.

I tried to contact my family law attorney, but he was on vacation. I set up an appointment with him and contacted local law enforcement. The police were not interested in my call. They told me it was a civil matter and that I needed to contact the court and judge that created the order. I felt a combination of anger and helplessness. If anyone has ever coparented with someone with personality issues, you know exactly what feeling I am describing. I decided to take full responsibility for my role in the matter and use it moving forward. Since April, I have followed the order and respectfully denied all of her requests for extra time and ignored the subsequent push back and guilt tripping that inevitably comes when she doesn't get what she wants.

I felt the need to update as a cautionary tale to others that are coparenting or considering leaving a partner with personality disorder/s and high conflict behavior. This month, my ex informed me that she married someone from the military. I suspect she had an affair with this person during our marriage but this is really irrelevant to this post. She emailed me asking to relocate the children to a base literally across the country in a remote area where there are no direct flights and the travel time is over 10 hours. She has no family there and the move would take the kids from everything they know. She proposed a plan to make me the summer parent. I respectfully shared my concerns and said that she could absolutely move, but that she would have to become the summer and holiday parent.

Two weeks later she filed a motion to relocate with the court. She hired and expensive law firm and stated in her motion that she was a victim of domestic violence, and that I was uninterested and uninvolved with the children and on several occasions I have "surrendered" my parenting time. She has weaponized my flexibility and genuine efforts to coparent. I wont waste your time defending myself and will say that she never brought any DV up at any previous hearing, never any charges or police reports, and agreed to give me 50/50 parenting time. This, with the timing of her new marriage and the motion, speak volumes. At best our relationship was unhealthy and mutually toxic. The reality is that I was being abused, which is the reason I filed for divorce in the first place.

At times, I felt have felt so scared, angry, and helpless. More so than anytime in my life, and I have been to combat. It's not that I believe that she will be successful. Everyone I reach out to reassures me that this is a long shot. It's the mere POSSIBiLITY that I could lose the kids and that they would have to spend so much more time with someone who is so emotionally damaging. It's been a challenge to stay grounded. I am having nightmares and difficulty falling and staying asleep due to the anxiety. There is something so gut wrenchingly cruel about having someone who abused you, accuse you of being the abuser.

I am preparing in all the ways legally, psychically, and emotionally to fight for my children. I have a very strong case and will show the judge how loved and cared for the children are at Dad's house. I will let my attorney try to communicate the issues with her behavior and subtly try to let the judge know who they are truly dealing with. I mostly wanted to express gratitude to all the redditors and share this as a cautionary tale to help others. If you are considering leaving or are coparenting with someone with a personality disorder please don't fall in to the trap I did. Keep your boundaries in place, stick to the order, and document high conflict behaviors so that you are prepared to protect yourself and your children. If you believe in Prayer, I would appreciate them in any form. I will update again after the trial.

Some books that have been tremendously helpful and should be required reading in these situations:

Whole Again, Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse.  Jackson MacKenzie

Splitting, Second Edition: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Bill Eddy LCSW JD  and Randi Kreger 

Letting Go, The Pathway to Surrender. David R. Hawkins M.D. Ph.D