Hope this helps others.

Introduction- my story

Found this community a while back and have found most posts to be very helpful. I think a community like this is very important for all of us facing infidelity. I hope my story is helpful to some. Forgive me if I mess up some acronyms.

Married over 25 years. Over a year ago my world came crashing down when my wife disclosed a 2+ year affair. Her AP’s wife discovered the affair and forced the confession. “You tell or I will”. WW was in love. Or so she said.

Fast forward 15 or so months later and we are still together. Stronger in many ways. We are working hard and each day seems to get easier. Our timeline to R was complicated because disclosure did not immediately end the affair. Looking back - I know that her AP began to “love bomb” her during this time. He pulled out all his bag of tricks - to be clear, I’m not absolving WW or excusing her from fault - but for me it’s been helpful to gain some level of understanding as to “how” and “what” to help me heal.

The early days were hell. Panic attacks. Went to therapy weekly. Still in therapy. In my situation it helped to allow the affair to run its natural course. I didn’t know it was continuing necessarily, but knew they were in contact. It became basically “don’t ask, don’t tell”. I stayed the course, told her what I wanted for us and supported her as best I could in my situation.

Eventually, AP showed his true colors and she realized the mistake she made that almost cost us our family. We are now 7 months into full blown R and each day things get better. I still have my difficult days. Still have anxiety out of nowhere. Triggers everywhere. Doubts creep in.

Here are my tips and tricks;

Understand your own trauma and heal. Research the effect of trauma on your body. “Your body keeps score” was huge for me. Find a smart and direct therapist. Someone who will work you through the ups and downs. UPS and downs. Peaks and valleys. Sometimes you have to just ride the wave. Don’t fight the current. Understand how much tolerance you will have for pain. Because you will hurt more than you’ve ever hurt. You’ll have to be patient and understand some days you will feel like you can’t take it anymore. Talk talk talk with WS. There are excuses and reasons. The two aren’t the same. Research and read. I found the blogs on hope-now to be extremely helpful. Find some good podcasts. Take care of your mental health. That’s your no. 1 priority. You.

It’s not your fault the affair happened. That’s on them. I blamed myself immediately afterward - and for quite some time later. The affair is on the WW. WW must acknowledge that. You can’t heal and R won’t work if responsibility is not accepted. Each affair is different and each marriage is different. Don’t compare yourself to others. Ultimately, you will make the right decision for your situation. Unless you are in a dangerous spot - take a chance to breathe, feel the pain and heal. Take your time.

Hope this helps someone out there.