I lost my cat

And i thought i wouldn't cry if that happened. Her body is so stiff. She used to charge at balloons and act as if they were her enemy. Used to play with my other cat so much. Was almost one year old. A stray, she was, she was brought to us as a guest by my cat, and soon became our cherished little cat.

The doctor said, her reproductive organs were too small. During the spay surgery, they'd noticed a lump on her intestine (they didn't touch it since it hadn't caused any problems yet). Her liver profile reports were better than before, but still there was a bit complication.

I can't believe she's gone. On day of surgery, after wearing of anaesthesia she was roaming around 5 hours straight and then slept like a log. The first 24 hours of surgery she ate very little but drank water enough. Urinated. 48 hours, still showed no interest in food, but vomited bile, so we fed with a syringe some KMR. Third day, she was looking better but lethargic, we fed some chicken and kmr. But on the fourth day, today.... she vomited all of it... everything we gave on third day, probably even the remains of second day... and kept vomiting all the water she'd drink... I went to vet in afternoon and he prescribed some ondavet and a liquid probiotic. I thought she'll recover, her bouts of vomit followed by a cry would subside ...

I didn't notice that when she refused to open her jaws for the surgery meds, her time was near. I got an evening appointment with doctor to get her injectable meds.... She still curled upto us. She still sat alongside us. She was lethargic, but restless, changing positions. Her eyes were barely open. Suddenly she started sighing, we brushed it off as probably her feeling relief after so much of vomiting. She was cold, so i wrapped her with blankets, making sure to make them warm.

Then... she started convulsing. I thought she was going to vomit, so we carried her on the flood. At first I thought she was trying to vomit but nothing was coming out, but soon realised she was gasping, a cry came out, her jugular vein visibly throbbing, I was panicked. With each gasp, her body gave away, she slowly slipped into death, her head in my hand..... I couldn't stop sobbing and tearing up when she breathed her last and became unresponsive

Her body has stiffened so quick, she has grown so cold, so heavy. At one point when my sister said something aloud, I got a feeling she would wake up the cat, only to remind myself thar she was not sleeping, but dead already.... She had been so light when she was alive, i hold her body now and with every passing hour she seems to feel heavier,

The balloon on the floor seems gloomy. My appetite is gone. I can't tell or share with anyone because no one will understand. The sadness that's upon me, how would i explain it is because my cat died, gasping like an old man nearing his end? Humans don't care unless its another human. They'd think i'm stupid, and I won't argue with those fools.

I don't know, i think i am at fault. I took away a fragile life. She was runt of the litter most probably, cuz she never grew to the size of her sister. I signed on the spay surgery form. I can't help but feel sorrow, i feel like i signed her death date then.

I told the doctor that my cat passed, he was shocked. I told its okay, it was after all my decision to put my cat through it. But then he said sometimes one complication excaberates the hidden underlying health issues and they come crashing onto the body, in an attempt to tell me that the death of my cat was not on me. But i can't forget the sight of her jugular vein writhing under her skin like a wiggling worm that was stepped on.

I was sleeping so little ever since she returned from her surgery, because I was adamant on taking excellent care of her... at one point i was tired... but her passing away is a tight slap on my face, my tiredness, my half-assed relationship with the cat who still sought my arms even in her hour of death.

Did i spend enough time with her? Did i love her enough? How many times did i verbally dismissed her? My eyes are aching, her skin was so dehydrated, her fur was shiny but raggedy...

I don't know why i exist if i'm meant to see death, if i'm meant to die anyways. This fragile life was snuffed out in matter of five minutes. And only during the end i realised what was actually happening. She died, she was supposed to be mischievous, active... not still and stiff.

I thought she'd wake up. But instead rigor mortis set in, sealing the word of her passing. She looks like a doll, i have her paw impressions. I have her photos, i want to look at them but i can't without breaking into tears. I just can't.

I thought going to a brisk walk would help me but it did nothing. Instead, i didn't wanna come home to the realisation that my cat is no more...