The main reason I’m a fence sitter: my dad died when I was young.

Wanting to connect with people who maybe have the same fears.

My dad died of cancer when I was 7. It was horrible to watch the disease unfold and the toll all the “treatments” took on him. To boot, his horrible company refused to pay out his life insurance policy citing his immigration status.

My mom was wrecked. Became super religious and went on depression medication that kind of just made her ambivalent to everything for awhile.

Life with a single mom was hard. I was parentified and developed huge anxiety over my mom possibly dying as well on top of financial anxiety. A ten year old lying in bed at night dreading becoming homeless or something because my mom vented to me again about how poor and in debt we were. She was a teacher so even though she worked, the pay was not great. Plus she fell down the stairs and became seriously injured at one point and the health insurance would not cover the surgery, saying she should just do PT instead.

Now I am happily married and financially secure. I have a decent career, but make under $60k. My husband makes around the same. We live in the Midwest tho so not bad. We own a house and we’re comfortable. We do think we want kids and are excited about the possibility.

Yet…I cannot help but think about him dying. I know that seems so morbid but it is my greatest fear. Anytime I think, yes maybe we should have kids! I also begin to think… it what if something happens and he dies. I will be a single mother. I will have to do everything on my own and we will be very poor. I don’t want my kids to suffer over it. I don’t want to become depressed and miserable from the stress and financial strain.

Anyone else have the same fear? It’s really holding me back I think.