Life seems to be an illusion

Sitting in my room all alone and silent. Continuously thinking about feb 12. I have scored 29/300 in this attempt and mujhe pata hai mene mehnat nahi ki thi even mehnat toh durr 2 saal kuch pardha hii nahi.. jee ka pardhungi bol bolke boards ki preparation ko bhi neglect krdia. Did try to end everything toh realise hua ki it's not that easy. Humesha sochti thi ki mere ghar wale mujh mein believe nhi krte toh kya hua meri best friend krti hai ( we are best friends since class 1 ) but ab realise hua ki all that consolation was all fake. She just cares about her motherfuking toxic boyfriend jo usse khilone ki tarah use karke bolta hai I love you a lot. Mein uske paas jaake roti thi toh bss uski ek majboori bnn gayi mujhe chup karana nothing else and dheere dheere uski baaton se bhi mujhe pata chal gaya she just cares about her boyfriend and doesn't want to listen what I say. I had no one except her to whom I can express everything. Shayad bhagwaan bhi nhi chaahate ki mere saath koi ho mujhe support krne ke liye. Ghar mein itna physical aur mental abuse sehne ke baad bahar pyaar dhundne ki kosish ki but mein bhul gyi thi ki this is KALYUG. Mein kese face karungi sab kuch 12 feb ko mujhe nhi pata, my mother will again start saying tu rndi hai, tu ladko ke bistar garam karti hai, mene tujhpe itne paise kharch kar diye aur tuney ye result diya mujhe. kabhi lagta hai ek din apni comeback story khud likhungi aur dusre hii moment mein esa kuch ho jata hai ki bss give up krne ke alawa koi rasta nhi dikhta. I literally don't have anyone jo meri ye sab faltu bakwaas pathetic baatein sunn sake so that's why I'm dumping all this shit here. If you are reading this then thanks a lot 🤍:)