A 40 something loser in life.

I've always been pathologically shy and endlessly awkward around others, and never developed the social skills required for being normal in normal society. I look weird and undeveloped. But I am constantly on edge when I am outside the comfort my flat. I keep to myself, live alone, hardly talk with anyone at work (it always feels like such a strain and a bother and I often feel physically tired around others) and have - sadly, without much ado - reached middle aged with no friends, and having never even been on a date, etc. I have extremely undeveloped social skills and cannot even talk most of the time. People my age are either married with children or successful in business and I haven't been on a date and don't have any social skills to progress beyond low-level work.

I have pretty much given up on life, and my life, and I am just seeing it through to whatever end. I have had suicidal ideas since my teens and I know that that is the best thing for me. I used to wish for a girlfriend but now I have little interest in that and just can't be bothered. Who would want to be with someone my age with less experience than a teen anyway. There is a saying I read (can't remember where) - the tragedy of ageing into the old man you might have laughed at as a boy. That's me. Drifting about life with all confidence gone, sunken spirit, and almost no energy or life about me. I used to be hypersensitive as a child but I am now as animated as a corpse. I read everywhere online that anxiety fades with age but for me it has only become more entrenched. It's just weird being middle aged and morbidly shy and awkward. I feel like my brain power is half of what it was in my twenties as well. I don't have any passions and no real interests. I have ongoing distractions, for sure, but I rarely feel much about it. I miss being young when I cared for music and books and ideas because nowadays listening to music would feel like a chore. I sometimes schedule it and try to force myself to feel something, but it rarely happens.

That's all for now.