Feeling bad for asking any kind of intimacy
TLDR: Me or my wife or both of us need help, cause this is literally driving me nuts sometimes. I have been married for a year, but we lack intimacy (both in bed and outside). Now, while I give her all the love and care outside the bed and in the bed, she often doesn't reciprocate and hesitant. And when I try to talk about it seriously that my needs aren't met, that ruined will be guaranteed ruined for both of us (she turns her back and starts crying, I try to calm her and then try to go sleep, but I can't go to sleep so I get super frustrated). How to handle this, what do I do? Brothers, does it get better overtime, like in a year or two?
I pour her with love, care, words, acts of service, occasional gifts, I listen to her, try to communicate, and make sure she pleased in bed too. I don't get the same level of love and service. Usually, I have to ask for it
For the context, I (27M) married a year ago to my wife (20F) in my home country where we got arranged 1.5 years prior to that. Now, you might say she is young, but it's normal in our town to marry this age (most of her classmates are already married). We moved to US to WA state where I live and work, and we live mostly by ourselves there, but sometimes we live with my parents in CA too, and everyone's fine in that department. She initially had a culture shock and episodes of depression due to missing home, but it decreased and in sha Allah will be better once we all go back home for a visit.
Now, the issue of intimacy we had from the very beginning. Our first night was awkward and sucked for both of us, even with all my reading and preparation. First few months of intimacy was just bad: I had to constantly ask for it, and at some point she got annoyed whenever I bring up the fact that it is my right or that it is an ibadah (form of worship). But like I don't know what else to do.
I always try to be compassionate, loving, caring, listening to her needs and talk, say worksa of love, gift flowers/chocolate/favorite food/restaurants/whatever. I use all the love languages I can, I heard that if you want intimacy today you start it yesterday kind of stuff, so I would do my best. I also do acts of service like massage if there is a pain somewhere, and I do ruqyah occasionally for external or internal pains, and I do it for the reward of Allah and also to fulfill my rights as a husband and try to be the best I can be, as this will benefit me in the Day of Judgement.
But, I don't get the same level of love and care, at least not until I ask for it. I need it about 4 times a week, and whenever I ask, she would say "we will see" and delay until night and only night, and then if I am lucky, I get it. If not... Well, I would ask she would do tomorrow, and she would promise. Tomorrow, she would then either do it or break promise, and I have to remind her. Reminding her annoys her, but if I don't mention anything, I get Nothing!
Now, regarding her libido, she doesn't have much. She has been pregnant from the third or fourth month of our marriage, and I understand this, and she in the last stages, and I have always been supportive (don't overload her, massage her, take care) I know it can be tough, so I don't always ask for full intimacy, even just a hand massage would be fine. I have tried talking about oral intimacy, which I am open and willing to do, but she would look at me with disgust or worse, her mood would get ruined by a slight hint of it (whether receiving or giving). It's fine, I can live without it for now, but not even a massage? What do I do then?
Yesterday and day before were good, and I spent time with her and took care, everything was good up until the night when I asked her to do a massage, and at that time I mentioned how it's an ibadah, and I was positive the whole time. She just turned her back and cried. I calmed her down and then she fell asleep... I could not fall asleep, I was furious at I don't know what, maybe myself? I punched a wall, layed there and left the house to have a cold walk outside. This is not something normal for me.
I didn't have a good sleep today, all I can think of is why? Why does my wife have energy and mood to cook breakfast/lunch/dinner, take care of the house, but nothing for intimacy? Like, it doesn't even take that much energy to move a hand for less than 10 mins. I am not even talking about kisses or hugs, which are almost always initiated by me. I feel horrible for writing all of this... I feel like an a-hole for even thinking or wanting love or massage right now.
I don't know what to do anymore, and clearly telling her that I do all this to her doesn't make her feel better, maybe only worse. We have done a session of intimacy couple's counseling with a muslimah therapist, but not to much avail, she was mostly shy and not talking in it, only I was talking. There has been some improvement since beginning of our marriage, but again... only I initiate, and I have to wait, and if I get lucky, then it goes. Something goes slightly off - mood is ruined - she is sad, I am sad and frustrated...
I have done individual therapy myself with a known Muslim counselor, and the advice I got was to wait for a year or two, and she will change and be much better. Because she is shy and not used to it etc and now pregnant and etc. That giving birth changed woman's body for better, and after breastfeeding is over, libido might skyrocket. Is this true? Do women get more lovey dovey after giving a birth (after some time)?
I don't want to live sexually and romantically frustrated like this my whole life. Brothers, how do you handle this frustration? Is there a hope, possible improvement in the future? Should I start fasting until things improve and she regains her desire? Or maybe I should start taking finasteride and stop going to the gym to potentially decrease my libido? Or maybe I should sleep separately for now? I am not rich enough to get a second wife, and besides it's a bit early for that as I am about to have a son, which I am happy for. How do I deal with this frustration and feeling of resentment?