My Girlfriend Shared Our Private Life with Her Ex—Can Trust Be Rebuilt?
(Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I need real advice.)
I (M, late 20s) recently found out something that shattered my trust and left me questioning if this relationship can survive.
Her Past Relationship & Sharing Dynamics
Before we got together, my girlfriend (F, late 20s) was in a long-term, controlling relationship.
Her ex had a say in who she could date, and she complied.
She had a habit of sharing everything with him—texts, thoughts, sex details, and even intimate photos (hers and, in some cases, past partners’).
Every relationship she had wasn’t fully private—he was always in the background, knowing everything.
This didn’t stop when she met me.
She was still with him when we started talking, and during that time, she began sharing details about me just like she had with others before.
She broke up with him before we officially got together, and I thought that was the end of it.
How I Found Out
One night while we were getting intimate, a message from him popped up. I glanced at it.
What I saw broke me.
She was describing our sex in detail.
She compared me to past partners.
She said it wasn’t good.
Scrolling up, I realized she had been giving him updates about us for months.
She had told him about our conversations before we got together, about our intimacy, and even how she felt about our sex life.
This wasn’t just a betrayal of trust—I had unknowingly been pulled into a system I never agreed to.
Her Current Relationship with Him
Even though they broke up, he’s still in her life.
She continues to give him contracts and financial support.
He has a place to stay connected to her whenever he visits.
They talk almost daily, though she says it’s “just about work.”
She had said their work connection would end months ago, but the timeline keeps extending.
She insists that it’s over emotionally, that she has stopped sharing details, and that once their work ties end, he will be completely out of her life.
But I don’t know if I can believe that.
How It’s Affecting Me
Ever since that moment, something in me has shut down.
I can’t fully relax during intimacy.
My sex drive has dropped significantly.
I finish too quickly, something I’ve never struggled with before.
I feel like I was rated, compared, and observed.
I question whether she would have stopped sharing if I hadn’t found out.
She tells me she loves me and wants to rebuild my trust. But can trust like this ever be fixed?
My Dilemma
Can a relationship survive when privacy was broken in such an intimate way?
How do I rebuild my confidence knowing I was compared and judged?
Can I trust that she has truly stopped, or am I ignoring signs that this will never change?
Would you stay and work through it, or is this a sign I should leave?
I really need honest advice from people who have dealt with broken trust, control dynamics, and complicated ex-relationships.