Perspective building helped me

This is a space where people share the messed up thoughts they have, so here we go.

I know we aren't supposed to compare grief, it's very frowned upon and obviously can cause further issues. But, to be honest, there are times where it helped me. I know many will say I'm awful for saying this, but it's true.

So my loss is the worst thing that's ever happened to me and is all consuming. All the awful things, yes, yes a thousand times, I get it. The same is true for you, your loss is the worst thing.

However, when I would go to support groups or talk to people, I'd be lying if I didn't sometimes benefit from thinking "wow that experience they had, that's so hard. I think it's worse than mine." And it made me feel for a bit like I had more perspective. Like I would sigh and say "at least it wasn't a full term birth". I want to be clear, this isn't schadenfreude, I don't feel glad someone else suffered. I just feel for a moment like "okay, well, they are bearing this, I guess I can bear mine"

But here is the thing--it's not really a hierarchy. I know everyone has a part of their specific experience they would trade, and parts they would not. For example, I am grateful I didn't lose later later in pregnancy, and I'm grateful for my toddler. On the other hand, there are people who hear my story and think "at least I didn't have to be abandoned by the ER" or "at least I held my child while they lived".

Everyone can "play this game" (it's not a game) in their brain. Sometimes it leads to feeling worse, sure, but I have to admit, sometimes it has helped me to say TO MYSELF (if anyone else said it to me I'd want to punch them) "at least..."

I assume it's not just me? I know it's not a very correct thing to say.