My partner is depressed, and our relationship is strained.

Me [F31] and my partner [M29] who I'll call J for simplicity, have been together nearly six years got married last year. We got together just before covid and moved in together around 6 months after meeting (this was sped up by covid). We did not have any difficulties during covid. Have been very happy together until approx one year ago.

I started to feel like J was always in a bad mood, always tired, never wanting to do anything about one year ago. I have emotional unstable disorder / BPD whatever, and put this feeling down to an irrational though, and shoved it back.

J stopped showing interest in me when coming home from work, appears annoyed whereas I 'light up' when I see him. He seems exhausted by everything. We recently planned a bunch of holidays, and he is stressed and anxious, outright asking me if we can not go on the trips and that he only said yes to them because he thought it would make me happy. I had known he was stressed and thought the trips would help relax...

J is a workaholic, fortunately he only really ever does over time at home as can work from home, so I have no fear of him cheating, but he will put work above all other commitments. He will if I ask him put me first. An example is we are trying for a baby, and he recently had his sperm tested, it came back in the report his sperm is not suitable for natural conception and instead of coming home from work early to me to discuss this he wanted to finish off some stuff at work. Before I met him, he barely used his annual leave.

He says he is struggling to feel much about anything. He feels overwhelmed and tired all the time. He doesn't know what he wants to do in his spare time, he has no goals, has no aim for his life - cannot find meaning in it.

This upset me, considerably, because I feel I am in the best place in my life, having married him - and planning to have a family etc. He asked me what do I do to find meaning in my life and I told him that my meaning is being with him... I said it feels like the depression must be because he is not really happy with me, and he snapped at me and said 'not everything is about you'.

He does not want to take antidepressants, because he feels they will make him care less and become apathetic, which he is already feeling. He has agreed to therapy. I personally, have had years of depressive bouts, but always recovered using medication. I cannot understand his need for meaning in life, as I feel fulfilled - I don't know if anyone knows what I mean. I am sad currently it is not enough for him. It's been hard seeing him decline and feeling like he is more distant. I don't know how to help him - I can't offer the meaning he is looking for.