i think i have an unhealthy obsession with a guy i met a few years ago

i think im gonna sound insane but i need to get it out of my chest and i feel like this subreddit has always been a safe space for me in a way. i’ll try to make it as short as possible.

so im 21 and when i was 18-19 i met this guy in college and i instantly fell for him. i had first seen him in the college group chat before the classes started and i saw his profile pic and i was already hooked. basically i had some classes with him, and did some group work together alongside other friends (they were groups of 4 people). so I kinda interacted with this guy for a year. we weren’t exactly friends, rather classmates who knew each other’s names and would say hi to each other from time to time.

thing is, throughout this year, i was CRAZY for him. i had the biggest crush ever. every single thing this guy did, i liked it. from chewing gum, to the way he dressed, the way he talked and made everyone laugh, the little spots on his neck, his hair, everything about him. even the things i didn’t like i still found attractive. i would sometimes go to class just to see him, even to catch a glimpse of him (yes i know i sound like a stalker but it wasn’t like that lol). everyone liked him, you could say he was pretty popular. my guy friends thought he was really cool, my girl friends had a crush on him. i remember being kinda in awe any time he was around me, i would get so nervous (which is normal here) and just admire every move he made

so i liked everything about him except one thing, his girlfriend. this guy was obviously straight and he had (still has) a girlfriend and they’re very much in love. here’s where any other normal gay guy would just say “welp i guess that’s it” and move on. but i never moved on. to this day, i still daydream about this guy (i’m 21 now) and i haven’t seen him in like 2 years or something. he stopped following me on instagram (cause we weren’t really friends) but i still follow him because i’m just pathetic like that.

however here’s where it gets worse and psycho-level weird. i started to want to become like this guy. from the way he dressed, to the way he talked, the way he presented himself, chewing gum, his jokes, his hair, his accessories, even wanting to be left handed like he was. subconsciously i kinda thought to myself, that if i can’t be with him i’ll just become him. i think this is kinda insane and i’m not really proud to admit it, but to this day i still think about this guy.

so now i’m kinda in this limbo of hating myself and putting him on a pedestal. it’s even more pathetic when i remember that this guy doesn’t even remember i exist lmao. the proper term for it would be limerence i suppose. i feel crazy typing this but i needed to vent a little