Sending her home, no hospice no palliative care.

My mom has been hospitalized for essentially 23 days straight now. They’ve sent her home 3 times and every time she has had to go straight back in because she turns blue, starts becoming more and more delirious from a lack of oxygen and a build up co2.

They’re sending her home again today, ahead of a nasty snow storm we’re going to get. She’s been combative with the doctors and with me when we attempt to give her the care they need. So, they are sending her home to die. I just… Feel it intuitively that this will be her last hospital visit and her last homecoming. After seeing how horrific her condition gets when she’s been home, I truly cannot see how she won’t be dead within the next 24 hours.

I don’t feel confident that I will be able to keep her comfortable through this. Just like every other time she will start to turn blue, become delirious and beg and cry for help but also scream “no!”! at me when I try and offer help. I have to do this alone. Her husband is on the road for work (truck driver), family is out of state. It’s just me. I cannot fathom that I will just have to watch her die, horrifically. She’s in denial, doesn’t think she’s going to die despite the terminal diagnosis of COPD. So, no nurses to help guide me through this or anything. no hospice, no palliative care. nothing. Just me.

I am so lost and heartbroken. I don’t know what to do, what to think, what to say. I just know that this is it. She won’t survive another ambulance ride, we almost lost her these last two times.