Growing up with an (undiagnosed) autistic mother.

I grew up with an autistic mother who was undiagnosed until last year. This is going to be a long rant so apologies in advance. I moved out of my parents house to go to a university across the country 3 years ago. The reason I moved was because I didn't feel I could live in that house anymore. I want to add that I was never abused or mistreated, I was always taken care of, I just could not live with my parents without being anxious all the time and feeling like I had to walk on eggshells as to not cause a huge outburst. I'm well aware I sound bitter and unsympathetic, but I wanted to share my experience as sometimes it feels as if no one talks about the damage an undiagnosed autistic parent can do.

My entire childhood I felt unwanted and a burden, living with my mother was unpredictable. The affection I received from my mother always felt performative and insincere. She wouldn't praise me for accomplishments, any hobby or interest I had that wasn’t aligned with hers was considered "stupid", she would be fine one moment and the next she would be screaming at me and berating me. All attention needed to be on her, money needed to be spended on her and her interests only. Everything she did needed to be praised, but I wasn't returned that same sentiment. She would be very "honest" all the time.

I remember being bullied when I was 13 and asking my mom if she thought I was pretty, her response was that I was vein, self centered, and all I cared about was the attention of others. Once I was writing a language test, which I had paid and studied hard for to add to my uni application later, she decided that day she didn't want to pick me up later at school because she was feeling overwhelmed and walked in to fetch me in the middle of the test which meant I could not finish, her response was that I was being vein about achievements and selfish to expect her to pick me up late. This was how everything always went, I could not partake in any extracurricular activities because it was to stressful on her, I could not play or compete in sport or even go to award events for school because it overwhelmed her and she did not want me to go alone. I could not visit friends, go to birthday parties etc or have friends visit me more that twice a month because she felt it overwhelming. She also told me about things my dad said to her in private such as he doesn't think I'm smart enough to go to uni, that if I move out they would probably divorce, that they didn't have money to send me to uni so I shouldn't focus to much on academics etc. She was just being "honest ". This is just to name a few.

It was also personal, she would never celebrate my birthday, only if my father was present, because "birthdays are just another day". I couldn't arrange birthday parties because that would mean she would be overstimulated, but at the same time I wasn't allowed to go out alone with friends because that was inconsiderate towards her feelings. One moment we would be chatting normally and I would be happy and within seconds she would start yelling at me. She would be mad at me for not talking to her, but also mad at me for talking to her. Anytime I needed emotional support I was berated for being self-centered, if cried I was being manipulative, when I talked to a therapist about her I was turning people against her. I could never win, I was not aloud to have a life outside of my home, I wasn't aloud to take pride in doing well in a test, winning a prize or just talk about anything that didn't interest her.

We couldn't go anywhere, holidays or shopping, without her having an outburst. I had so many oversized clothing because she didn't allow me to try on clothes as a kid or return it, and I needed to buy clothing within 20 min for the whole season before she got an outburst. Some times she would yelling at everyone in public. No movies or TV shows or music that trigger an outburst.

Now she has been diagnosed, I see them twice a year and she blames everything on her autism. She constantly sends me things about autism and life as someone with autism and says I need to understand everything she did was because of it. I feel horrible for not being sympathetic, but I can't help but feel bitter. I feel that because she didn't cause her autism I'm supposed to be okay and accept it. I was a child and I needed a supportive mother and affection.