Am I toxic?

I can’t tell whether I’m toxic or I just attract toxic people. A couple/few years ago, I dated a guy who chased me. There is nothing special about me physically - no boobs, small bum, not much curve, average face (I don’t really wear makeup or do my hair). He didn’t know me so I can’t say it was my personality he was after. He penetrated me with a finger without consent, and shifted blame onto me, saying I didn’t say no. I was stupid and naive and a virgin, I get those factors are on me. He invited me over to hang out and just cuddle. But it wasn’t just cuddles. No one involved in this story is under 25 years old. We were on and off for quite a while (over a year?) and he dated other women. While he dated others, I was single and we would either chat as friends only or not chat at all. Everything about us was a secret. We told no one for most of it. He put me down often, telling me our mutual friend was nicer than me, etc. He often told me this friend was not his type, he never flirted with her, etc. She didn’t know I was involved with him, and often told me they had a very flirtatious chemistry, sexual tension was present, and that it had always been like that. One day we were all together and she had her thigh up in his personal space and he was ogling her. For other reasons that day, he got upset and cut contact with both of us. She was devastated, talking about how she and he were close and she should have known better than to upset him. Sometime later, he and I made up. Later I found out he and she had been chatting/flirting and exchanging provocative photos while he was with his ex. I tried to maintain the friendship with him for a while but eventually couldn’t handle how dismissive he was anymore and cut ties. I still carry a lot of trauma about the sexual assault I felt with him - dissociation with my body, trust issues with men, etc. But I also consider the regular invalidation (emotional dismissal, telling me how to groom, etc.) and put downs (I get a lot of them were jokes) to have been emotional abuse. And I seem to carry this trauma even more - self-blame, self-hate, etc.

This year, another guy chased me, mostly over text as my city has been in lockdown. A senior at work. He’s married and has a gf on the side. He wanted me to be his second gf, kept secret from his first gf. I leaned on him a lot about my mental health issues. And he leaned on me similarly even more. We agreed not to progress the relationship side of things any further after a poor drunken lapse of judgement. He’s in a happy state now and so doesn’t need me anymore, I guess. I carry guilt from the lapse of judgement. I hate myself. I lashed out at him last night because I’m not in a good mental state and he made some comments that made me feel bad about myself. He says I projected things onto his words, twisting what he said. He says I didn’t do well reaching out by attacking him and his friend (who has been very bad to him and others I care about, and treats me like I don’t exist because I’m not valuable to her socially or career-wise).

I cry too much. Please help me decide what I should do next. I’m toxic, aren’t I? I am considering cutting ties with the current guy and going back to the old guy, just as friends. I need emotional support, but I feel so ashamed of myself, I feel there isn’t anyone else in my life to lean on.