Should I break off our engagement?

For a little context, I (23F) have been dating my (36M) boyfriend for almost 3 years now. He has ADHD and I’m bipolar, might have BPD but idk haven’t gotten diagnosed for that specifically.

It was great in the beginning. We were coworkers and 6m later he caught me in a manic episode and we hooked up at a show while on molly lol. I stayed the night and pretty much never left. He told me he loved me within a week and looking back that’s insane but in the moment that’s exactly what needed to hear from another human to feel something in my life. A lot of what he’s done in the past will, I know for a lot of you reading, cause you to tell me to break up with him and wtf am I doing with my life. Including the time he met up w a girl 6 months in but never “actually cheated” because he didn’t know how serious we were yet. We’ve worked thru that many times and I’ve forgiven him but that always tends to come back to haunt my brain.

He’s also an actual asshole/ gaslighter / manipulator sometimes which gives me whiplash from the other half of the time he’s a sweetheart. He understands me and how I became the person I am today from glimpsing at my childhood (we currently live w my family to save money) Yeah I know it’s definitely a trauma bond but w/e. Living with the family is a whole other stresser but especially for him considering how crazy and messy they can be. I try so hard to clean and keep the home peaceful but I can only do so much without his help.

I’m getting a little off track.. he proposed to me about 6 months ago and even in the moment I didn’t want to say yes. Not yet, I mean. I love him and can’t see myself going thru life with anyone else but at the end of the day I feel like he holds me back. I used to be an adventurous soul. ALWAYS traveling, meeting people, going to shows and festivals. I used to take my dream of being a filmmaker seriously and was so ambitious. Idk if I can even blame it on him. Maybe I just got older and jaded, maybe it’s the crushing weight of the economy and not being able to buy my necessities, or maybe I’m just in a long depressive episode and my life feels pointless.

I know he’s going thru the same thing in life currently. Feels directionless and it’s affecting our sex life too. We’re just both so empty and pissed at the world. The obvious solutions to me are to either go to therapy which he’s not interested in (not like we have the funds to go anyway) or take a break and work on ourselves. The problem with that is I feel like that would nail the coffin of our relationship. He would either completely fall out of love with me, sleep with someone else, or literally unalive hisself. He’s been su.c.dal in the past and I was there for him thru the inpatient care.

To add things to the mix he has a son from a past marriage who I love dearly but has in the past year become a little spoiled brat from him trying to make up on lost time and letting him do whatever the fuck he wants. That shit doesn’t fly with me but I hold my tongue knowing even if it’s my place to parent him now, I don’t want to be seen as the evil step mom. That being said, I can already see how different how parenting styles are. I can already see we have very different goals and aspirations in life. I can see how we aren’t compatible for each other yet somehow he fits with me like no one else I’ve ever been with. I don’t want to call the past 3 years a waste. I don’t want to give up on us and have to go thru the dating experience all over again. But is love rly enough?

I’m so sorry this was long as hell but thanks for reading:,)

TLDR: my fiancé and I aren’t rly compatible but love each other. Sometimes when we both fall in a rut, life much less our relationship seems pointless and I don’t rly know if marriage is the right decision. But I also don’t know how to part ways.