I'm fighting for something that's doesn't even exist anymore

I don't even know why I'm alive anymore.. Everything I had, everything about myself I cared about, every virtue I had is already gone. I'm rotten and empty, already so close to death. Every night I tell myself I hope I don't wake up the next morning just to escape from this; but I don't even want to die, I just don't want to wake up here anymore, I don't want to keep suffering, I just want to get better for once, I don't want to be sick anymore, I want to wake up into a better world, with a new body, but every morning I wake up, here, again, in my life that's already over. I feel so broken. I want my mind back, I want myself back.. I want to scream and cry in pain but I can't even do that, because somewhere in my mind along time ago I realized that it brings me nothing but more pain because no one will hear it..

It's been four times now.. and even though I still can't let go, part of me wishes one of those times I just stayed dead.

I fought so hard for so long just for things to end up how I knew they were always going to.. and now that I'm at the end I don't even understand, why am I still here? My life has no purpose now, so why can't I just let myself die?