Dear Yakuza

Hello.

We are Menacing Men. On behalf of thugs, gang members, delinquents, and assorted street toughs from Kamurocho, we write to you, the distinguished members of this yakuza subreddit, in a moment of great desperation.

Let us be frank: this Kiryu/Suzuki guy has got to go.

We understand that Kamurocho is a place of many opportunities for gentlemen such as ourselves—shakedowns, turf disputes, and the occasional pocket change extortion. It’s an honest (enough) living, and we were content. But ever since this Kiryu/Suzuki guy set foot here, our lives have turned into an endless cycle of fists, foot stomps, and flying bicycles.

Do you know how humiliating it is to lose to a guy who can suplex you into unconsciousness using a traffic cone? Do you know the shame of waking up in a gutter only to realize he took your pants so he could deliver them to some weird quest guy?

We can no longer afford to maintain this lifestyle. We’ve run out of bronze plates, tauriner bottles, and pocket tissues to “drop” when this Kiryu/Suzuki guy inevitably pulverizes us. Some of us have had to pawn our own shoes to restock these items. It’s unsustainable.

Our hospital bills are through the roof. Just last week, one of our guys was drop-kicked into a fish tank. You know how much it costs to get glass shards removed? And don’t even get us started on dental work after being heat-actioned with a bicycle.

And what’s worse? He doesn’t even need the stuff we give him. We saw him the other day cashing in like 200 gold plates. Who even carries that many? Does he think pawnshops are storage lockers?

We’re not asking for much. Just… relocate him? Maybe not just another district but somewhere farther. Perhaps America? We hear they have plenty of opportunities for punching people in random alleys, and we’re sure New York or Los Angeles could use someone who knows how to wield a traffic cone. Plus, there are vending machines everywhere for him to pick up and throw at people—he’d be right at home!

In exchange, we’re prepared to pay generously. We’ve pooled together our resources—some yen, a couple of silver plates (yes, we’re still holding onto something), and enough Staminan X to fuel a small army. If you have the means to negotiate with him, please, we beg you.

Send this message to the top brass. Let the Tojo Clan know: this Kiryu/Suzuki guy is bad for business.

Respectfully, The Menacing Men